Sunday, December 11, 2011

Another shove.

Forgive me for sounding stilted and pseudo-profound. That's not my aim. I'm just saying what I'm thinking. (Title reference not intended.)

Do you ever get a thought or an idea that hits you in the head in every place? In the front, sending you reeling backwards in amazement, and in the back, sending you careening forward without control, and on the sides, shaking you out of comfort and balance?

These things don't happen to me very often. In honesty, for most of what I call my "critically thinking life" (which, for me, is age 17 and beyond--I don't call it "adult" life because adulthood is not really apt or clear when applied to me) I've been sitting, waiting, and whining for something big to happen to my mind. I've been waiting for life to rock me to my core and knock me off of my feet and also out of my recliner, to move me and shake me and inspire me to finally DO SOMETHING, for once, for goodness's sake.

I regret to inform you that such an event, something so powerful and locus-shaking, did not, in fact, happen to me today or recently. (My apologies for a fake setup if you were waiting to hear about something truly amazing and remarkable.) It hasn't happened to me, ever, really.

What did occur to me today was actually a thought that I've realized and attempted to internalize and establish permanently within myself plenty of times prior: What are you doing, Cayla? Why are you waiting for life to change? Why are you waiting for the rest of the world to change your mind, change your heart, change you? YOU choose to change you, and YOU change you.

I don't stand at the sink with my hands under the faucet, pleading and hoping and crying and cursing, offering the greater universe my money and my life to please just let some water come out so I can wash my filthy hands and go accomplish my next tasks. I just turn on the damn tap.

As I said, I've realized this plenty of times before, but that doesn't make this time less important. I've been spending WAY too much time doing exactly that--spending too much time, wasting it, wasting my abilities and resources and thoughts--and all in the interest of lamenting what a big (fat, sloppy, boring, ugly, broke, immature, clumsy, and myriad of other self-deprecating adjectives) loser I am/have become/have always been (state-of-being dependent on the day and how much of my life I feel like blaming).

It's time for me to get off of my (maybe less toned than I'd like, but still functioning) posterior and do something, and then something more, and then something more. It's time to do everything I'm capable of doing. This mental and emotional shove is one of many, but it's another shove that I've really, really needed.

More on this later, but for now, I've got to go do something.

1 comment:

  1. Amen and hallelujah! No more "waiting for the world to change." No more passing the buck. You go, girl! Our generation needs more people to experience this quiet revelation.