Friday, February 17, 2012

Boy, you're gonna carry that weight...

As a kid, I had a huge outward temper.
When I got angry, I didn't sulk and pout first. First I screamed, kicked, flailed, stomped, and threw unwieldy punches. Only after being talked down by my (unbelievably patient!) parents did I calm myself enough to huff around, bottom lip protuding, arms crossed in defiance of changing my attitude. One or two (or three...or eight, I'm serious) hours later, I'd be out of my funk and playing happily, having forgotten all about whatever got me screaming-yelling mad in the first place.

As a college student, I didn't have an outward temper. Instead, I had an inward, constant tantrum roiling inside me: deeply embedded, resentful jealousy.

Let me tell you that the adult jealousy tantrum inside the mind is much, MUCH worse than a child having a shrieking fit over a lollipop in the grocery store. It may not seem worse at the time of the incident, but believe me, it's much worse. A tantrum is a wave, a windstorm; it comes, it passes, it's over. Resentment and jealousy are infections, infestations that poison the heart, the mind, from thinking clearly and happily. They encourage the growth of similiarly gross attitudes and feelings. They teach the mind false truths and harden the heart and spirit towards others.

As a post-college "adult", I've had so much trouble letting go of my frustrations, my anger, my resentment towards others. I've walked around with all of this weight inside me, all of this guilt and disgusting, unnecessary baggage.

Tonight, I came to terms with my jealousy. I realized that I was wasting time, wasting energy, and causing pain to everyone involved. So I let it all go.

I feel like I can finally, wholly be myself. I'm not clouding my ideals and thoughts and feelings with jealous comparisons against others.

Freedom feels good.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Back again, again.

I have made a bad habit of working on the blog, neglecting it for a few months, re-discovering it, and ignoring it again.

So, to be irritatingly redundant, I'm back again. And I'm hoping to post more frequently (though I cannot guarantee brevity).

Also, the Alaska job is over, so I'm back in Nebraska.