Boy, you're gonna carry that weight...

As a kid, I had a huge outward temper.
When I got angry, I didn't sulk and pout first. First I screamed, kicked, flailed, stomped, and threw unwieldy punches. Only after being talked down by my (unbelievably patient!) parents did I calm myself enough to huff around, bottom lip protuding, arms crossed in defiance of changing my attitude. One or two (or three...or eight, I'm serious) hours later, I'd be out of my funk and playing happily, having forgotten all about whatever got me screaming-yelling mad in the first place.

As a college student, I didn't have an outward temper. Instead, I had an inward, constant tantrum roiling inside me: deeply embedded, resentful jealousy.

Let me tell you that the adult jealousy tantrum inside the mind is much, MUCH worse than a child having a shrieking fit over a lollipop in the grocery store. It may not seem worse at the time of the incident, but believe me, it's much worse. A tantrum is a wave, a windstorm; it comes, it passes, it's over. Resentment and jealousy are infections, infestations that poison the heart, the mind, from thinking clearly and happily. They encourage the growth of similiarly gross attitudes and feelings. They teach the mind false truths and harden the heart and spirit towards others.

As a post-college "adult", I've had so much trouble letting go of my frustrations, my anger, my resentment towards others. I've walked around with all of this weight inside me, all of this guilt and disgusting, unnecessary baggage.

Tonight, I came to terms with my jealousy. I realized that I was wasting time, wasting energy, and causing pain to everyone involved. So I let it all go.

I feel like I can finally, wholly be myself. I'm not clouding my ideals and thoughts and feelings with jealous comparisons against others.

Freedom feels good.

Back again, again.

I have made a bad habit of working on the blog, neglecting it for a few months, re-discovering it, and ignoring it again.

So, to be irritatingly redundant, I'm back again. And I'm hoping to post more frequently (though I cannot guarantee brevity).

Also, the Alaska job is over, so I'm back in Nebraska.

Another shove.

Forgive me for sounding stilted and pseudo-profound. That's not my aim. I'm just saying what I'm thinking. (Title reference not intended.)

Do you ever get a thought or an idea that hits you in the head in every place? In the front, sending you reeling backwards in amazement, and in the back, sending you careening forward without control, and on the sides, shaking you out of comfort and balance?

These things don't happen to me very often. In honesty, for most of what I call my "critically thinking life" (which, for me, is age 17 and beyond--I don't call it "adult" life because adulthood is not really apt or clear when applied to me) I've been sitting, waiting, and whining for something big to happen to my mind. I've been waiting for life to rock me to my core and knock me off of my feet and also out of my recliner, to move me and shake me and inspire me to finally DO SOMETHING, for once, for goodness's sake.

I regret to inform you that such an event, something so powerful and locus-shaking, did not, in fact, happen to me today or recently. (My apologies for a fake setup if you were waiting to hear about something truly amazing and remarkable.) It hasn't happened to me, ever, really.

What did occur to me today was actually a thought that I've realized and attempted to internalize and establish permanently within myself plenty of times prior: What are you doing, Cayla? Why are you waiting for life to change? Why are you waiting for the rest of the world to change your mind, change your heart, change you? YOU choose to change you, and YOU change you.

I don't stand at the sink with my hands under the faucet, pleading and hoping and crying and cursing, offering the greater universe my money and my life to please just let some water come out so I can wash my filthy hands and go accomplish my next tasks. I just turn on the damn tap.

As I said, I've realized this plenty of times before, but that doesn't make this time less important. I've been spending WAY too much time doing exactly that--spending too much time, wasting it, wasting my abilities and resources and thoughts--and all in the interest of lamenting what a big (fat, sloppy, boring, ugly, broke, immature, clumsy, and myriad of other self-deprecating adjectives) loser I am/have become/have always been (state-of-being dependent on the day and how much of my life I feel like blaming).

It's time for me to get off of my (maybe less toned than I'd like, but still functioning) posterior and do something, and then something more, and then something more. It's time to do everything I'm capable of doing. This mental and emotional shove is one of many, but it's another shove that I've really, really needed.

More on this later, but for now, I've got to go do something.

Follow me to the great Northwest...

I took a temporary job in Alaska.
I'm attempting to document my experience in a separate blog.
Check back for an update.

Thanks.

P.S. Google "chinook winds weather." That is all.

For the sake of introduction...

...here's a little meme.

15 Random Facts About Me:
1) I have a lot of vivid memories from my childhood that I can recount repeatedly. I like telling them to my parents and then seeing/hearing their reactions when they can't believe I remember something so specifically.

2) I love Dan Mullins.

3) Some of my favorite foods remind me of the things that old people like to eat: Goetze's Caramel Creams candies, cold meatloaf sandwiches, pickled beets, canned apricots, gherkins.

4) I don't care for many Disney cartoon movies, and I feel like a BIG HUGE JERK for it. However, I love that traditional Disney movies are musicals, and I think that exposing children to films like these helps them appreciate musical theatre, which I think is very important.

5) In college, my friends kept blogs generated on blogger.com, and one day when I was on the main hub, the ticker that listed "Blogs of Note" featured a blog titled "Ramblings and Randomness," and I thought the title sounded fun and so I went to the blog. It is now one of my favorite blogs to follow. In fact, through that blog, I discovered a band which I came to love and got to see in Omaha a year later. I also feel like the writer is one of my friends, which is probably weird, since she doesn't even know me.

6) Another blog I love is orangette.blogspot.com. The content is brilliant. Molly Wizenberg is a great cook and a fabulous writer. So smart! So poetic! I just love her. (see also spilledmilkpodcast.com)

7) I love vinegar and vinegar-based sauces. Helloooooo, beurre blanc!

8) I get instantly ridiculous when I am near dogs. As soon as I see a dog, I'm all, "Awwww, who's a good doggy?! Who's a good puppydoggyface?! Who's Mommy's good dog?!" Ridiculous.

9) So far, with every job at which I have worked, I come to the realization that, "Wow, this is not what I want to do for the rest of my life." It's not a terribly promising means of career exploration.

10) I love to cook and to bake for myself, but the prospect of cooking and baking for others gives me heart palpitations. It makes me SO nervous.

11) My favorite parts of movies are the soundtracks and the ending credits.

12) My wardrobe staples are jeans, T-shirts, cardigans, and flats/Converse sneakers. I don't look great in anything I wear, but I don't feel comfortable in anything besides those four/five pieces.

13) My favorite things to read are nonfiction books focused on sociology and food. Hence, books like "Fast Food Nation" and "Kitchen Confidential" are some of my favorites. I also love, love, LOVE "The Man Who Ate Everything" by Jeffrey Steingarten; it's the perfect combination of well-crafted essays and well-informed culinary information and recommendations.

14) My favorite bands are (in no particular order) The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Guess Who, The Who, and Queen.

15) I don't know much about writing, much less writing well.

Welcome to me, and to my blog. Expect an excess of the inane. Everything else will come as a surprise to you and me both.